Is Kanye the most popular guy in the world of beautiful people right now? Eeeeh, probably not. But that doesn’t mean we haven’t all about heard every little thing he’s been up to as of late. In keeping with Kanye’s seemingly endless store of self-righteousness—directed at YouTube, at Jimmy Kimmel and at the Obamas, to name a few—here’s how I’d imagine Yeezy would handle the challenges of adopting a plant-based diet, or possibly going gluten-free…or maybe just of cutting back on so many damn croissants.
The Kanye West approach to adopting better eating habits
1. Insist that the rest of the world completely readjust its schedule to accommodate you.
You’re bound to encounter a few mishaps during the transition from a mostly-thoughtless diet to a more conscious one. Maybe you forgot to request no cheese on your pasta order, or you signed up for a pizza-eating contest months ago with friends and now find yourself wondering how to get out of it. If there’s anything to be learned from Kanye, it’s that the best thing to do is to ruin everyone’s good time on behalf of your own needs. Walk outta that Italian-ass restaurant right now, and tell your friends you don’t need them, anyway, while you’re at it.
2. Get outrageously upset at peoples’ reactions to your choices.
To get personal for a second, I find handling others’ comments and, in some cases, insults about what I eat (and don’t) to be one of the more difficult aspects of plant-based life. Though I usually try to address the issues calmly—and ahead of time, when possible—it would probably make me feel a lot better if I just sued everyone who dares to poke fun at my tempeh sandwich. Ripping them a new one on Twitter might be an effective option, too.
3. Belittle the successes others achieve on their own paths, juuust in case the world forgot about you for a few seconds.
Even if they’re completely unrelated to your own food and health goals, there’s absolutely no room in conversation to discuss other peoples’ achievements. Your friend just completed her first 10K? F*ck that—you’re still working on running three miles at a time. Better accuse her of having an unfair advantage before everyone acknowledges the hard work she’s done.
4. Be an a-hole at restaurants.
As if this needs any explanation. What restaurant staff doesn’t love a pushy, high-maintenance customer who demands special treatment for their order?
What life lessons have you learned from Kanye this year?
Note: this post was submitted to this week’s